“People want to look around and say ‘this is who he was’ about everyone. We want the narrative, and we want it to be sunny. But what’s the good in that? What’s the use? What can I use from that story to walk me out of my terrors? I’m sorry if I perpetuated that, because really it isn’t helpful. We need real stories. We need real truth. That darkness is in all of us. We need people to tell those stories too, so we can see ourselves in them and know there’s a way out.

“I didn’t know what to do," he says, as I feel his overwhelming sense of helplessness. "So I just kept doing the thing that got me the praise. The plight of the ignored child, you know? Perpetually the class clown who performs for all the laughs. It was good, it really was. But it only allowed me to be half a person. Only the guy who brought the funny.

“So what to do with this other side of me? I don’t know, just shove it away, shove it away, shove it away. More funny, more laughs, more Oscars. Then some serious roles, darker ones, but it didn’t work. Not really. No one could bear to see that side of me. I couldn’t bear to see that side of me. But it kept coming out and I just didn’t know what to do with it.

"When you live your life on stage and the only way you know how to be is through performance, what do you do with the half of you that doesn’t want to be seen?"

Image by Jr Korpa